the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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