I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
