Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
