We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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