oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
whose parrot is this?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
