no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
