Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
