From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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