Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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