I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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