I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
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im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
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I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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