I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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