Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
