While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
