Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
