i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
