Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i now understand why vodka
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
