I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
