No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
