I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch