I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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