you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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