ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
