I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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