Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
