I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
