i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
