An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
