Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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