Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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