In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
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Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
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Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.