i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
