Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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