she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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