I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
