After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
