The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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