you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
