I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
