dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
