I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
