Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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