She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever