Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
