I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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