gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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