the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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