i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
