Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
