The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
