Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
