Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
