I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
