Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
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and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
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You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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