totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
